At A Crossroad

As we grow up, life hands us a series of tests that end up defining who we become during the next leg of the journey. Generally the test is some kind of compromising situation, or tough decision. Never-the-less, whatever it is that life throws at us we generally tend to feel a little left in the lurch and unsure of what to do.

For most of my life I have done fairly well with these tests, but I have recently embarked on a journey that has ended up throwing a few my way in which I am torn about what to do. I will spare my readers the details because to some they would bore, to others, beckon questions for which I am not ready to answer.

The part I hate is that I know what the "right" decisions are I just am not sure it's what I want because maybe they are the right decisions for others around me, but not me right now.

I am so sick of letting other people's idea of what is "right" hold me back, and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. I realize that sometimes their definition is meant to protect me, but at the same time...what if I don't want to be protected anymore? What if I want to experience life and take in all it has to offer?

Being home often feels like a trap. I am trapped by other people's expectations of me so much that I don't even remember who I really am. It's a constant battle between my heart and my love. My heart says live, my love says obey.

Where is the balance?

I don't want to live in regret.

I could regret not trying or I could regret that I did.

I'm tired of living scared...

I don't want to disappoint anyone, but in pleasing everyone else in what I do with my life I feel like I am disappointing myself.
I think that I've made my mind up and I don't think that some people are going to like my choices, but I feel like being a little bit selfish.

What does it really matter what I do as long as I honor God?