Come Thirsty

I found this blog I wrote on Facebook earlier this year and the truth and sincerity resounded in my heart and I felt the need to post it on here...

I have been reading from the book Cast of Characters by Max Lucado. He subtitles the work Common People in the Hands of an Uncommon God. Each chapter explores the story and lessons of a Biblical character. Today I just happened to read about the woman (in the book of Luke) who washed Jesus’ feet. I was really moved by the way Max tells her story and I wanted to share it with you. As a preface, I wanted to title this, A Lesson on Love from a Biblical Whore, but I thought that people would be offended and not read it if I titled it that. The truth is though, that this woman was just that, a whore. She sold her body on the street and thought nothing of it . . . that is, until she met Jesus. Max Lucado notes that we don’t know where she first met Jesus or anything about their relationship prior to her humbling act in Luke 7. All we know of her, we know from Jesus words to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t even offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has been kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” (Luke 7:40-47 NLT) Now I have read this story many many times and have always thought it was touching, but I did not realize what it meant. I knew she was a sinner and that she honored Jesus love for her in a beautiful way, but I missed the whole part about Simon being put off by her "sinful" profession of love to “his” Savior. Max writes, “You’d think the woman would avoid Jesus. Is she not the woman of the night? The town hussy? But she can’t resist him. Simon’s ‘love’ is calibrated and stingy. Her love, on the other hand, is extravagant and risky”. I love that, RISKY LOVE. “She came thirsty. Thirsty from guilt. Thirsty from regret. Thirsty from the countless nights of making love and finding none. She came thirsty. And when Jesus hands her the goblet of grace, she drinks. She doesn’t just taste or nip. She doesn’t just dip her finger and lick it or take the cup and sip it. She lifts the liquid to her lips and drinks, gulping, swallowing like the parched pilgrim she is. She drinks until the mercy flows down her chin and onto her neck and chest. She drinks until every inch of her soul is moist and soft. She comes thirsty and she drinks. She drinks deeply”. I love the picture Max paints here. I see a woman so thirsty that the liquid gushes out soaking her clothes and the ground around her. Almost as if a bucket was being dumped over her head. She becomes drenched in Jesus’ thirst quenching grace!
This picture reminded me how thirsty I am. I am craving a drink like the one she took.“Simon on the other hand, doesn’t even know he is thirsty. People like Simon don’t need grace; they analyze it. They don’t request mercy; they debate and prorate it. It wasn’t that Simon couldn’t be forgiven; he just never asks to be”.The chapter goes on to explain how we try to love other’s we say “I’m supposed to love my neighbor? Okay. By golly, I will.So we try. Teeth clenched. Jaw firm. We’re going to love if it kills us! And it may do just that.Could we be missing a step? Could it be that the first step of love is not toward them but toward him? Could it be that the secret to loving is receiving? You give love by first receiving it. ‘We love, because He first loved us’ (1 John 4:19 NASB).What a novel thought. To love others we need to experience Christ’s love for us and the deeper we let him love us the deeper we will be able to love and accept others. Those who really know me know that loving people the way Christ loves me is my number one goal in life. I am usually pretty horrible at doing this, but still I try. I am determined to let Jesus love me so that I can model that love to others.I close with Max’s words,“God loved you. Personally. Powerfully. Passionately. Others have promised and failed. But Gof has promised and succeeded. He loves you with an unfailing love. And his love-if you will let it-can fill you and leave you with a love worth giving. So come. Come thirsty and drink deeply”.

At A Crossroad

As we grow up, life hands us a series of tests that end up defining who we become during the next leg of the journey. Generally the test is some kind of compromising situation, or tough decision. Never-the-less, whatever it is that life throws at us we generally tend to feel a little left in the lurch and unsure of what to do.

For most of my life I have done fairly well with these tests, but I have recently embarked on a journey that has ended up throwing a few my way in which I am torn about what to do. I will spare my readers the details because to some they would bore, to others, beckon questions for which I am not ready to answer.

The part I hate is that I know what the "right" decisions are I just am not sure it's what I want because maybe they are the right decisions for others around me, but not me right now.

I am so sick of letting other people's idea of what is "right" hold me back, and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. I realize that sometimes their definition is meant to protect me, but at the same time...what if I don't want to be protected anymore? What if I want to experience life and take in all it has to offer?

Being home often feels like a trap. I am trapped by other people's expectations of me so much that I don't even remember who I really am. It's a constant battle between my heart and my love. My heart says live, my love says obey.

Where is the balance?

I don't want to live in regret.

I could regret not trying or I could regret that I did.

I'm tired of living scared...

I don't want to disappoint anyone, but in pleasing everyone else in what I do with my life I feel like I am disappointing myself.
I think that I've made my mind up and I don't think that some people are going to like my choices, but I feel like being a little bit selfish.

What does it really matter what I do as long as I honor God?

I Read It In A Book

I was watching the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" today with my mom and sister. I like the movie because, as a "recovering" Gigi, it fills me with hope that someday I will be someone's exception to the rule instead of always the rule (Watch the movie if you're lost or even better yet read the book). After seeing the movie in the theater and being overwhelmed by how creepy my actions towards potential "mates" were I decided to read the book.

Now I read a lot of books and I am NOT one to read dating books or anything of that general topic base. Mainly because most of them out there are faith based, which isn't bad, just not always realistic and I am tired of living in a fantasy world that dreams come true...they totally do, but I guess I'm at a point where I feel like life is all about hanging on and hoping for the best...that's another blog though...

Anyway, I have ended up reading my fair share of relationship/dating books this year. One of the best being "He's Just Not That Into You" I really learned a lot about myself from the book and it was supplemental to another book I read called "Marriable" which happened to be a faith based relationship book that I happened upon one afternoon at Barnes and Noble. The two books seemed to fill in the lines of the other. After reading them I felt empowered, like I was ready to find the right guy. Unfortunately however, the right guy for me has not been ready to be found. It really makes me laugh because looking back on it now, I was feeling so desperate and alone I was willing to listen to and follow any guidance to fixing myself into being "the right girl", when the whole message of "He's Just Not That Into You" is that I already am...

Why do I listen to things I read in books as complete truth, as the answer to all my problems. A book is just one persons opinion on the "right way" to do something.

Reality is that while both books may have a lot of "right" things in them, only ONE book is 100% right and true and that's the one that God inspired, that's right I'm talking about the B-I-B-L-E. That might sound a bit like a copout, but really, there are some amazing love stories in that book. There is the story of Esther, Ruth, Sarah, Mary, Rachel and Leah, etc.

Really the point in me writing this is just to remind myself is that God's plan is perfect. It is a proven fact! If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself...

Anyway, I know that in HIS time I will find that which I long for, but until then I will continue to be romanced by the king of the ages, singing about a passion I daily experience, perpetually lost in the beauty of Jesus my Savior, dancing the night away at the foot of his throne...

Thanks For Forgetting Me

Transitions are always hard, but for some reason this latest transition is proving to be a new kind of difficult, thus making me feel like I am struggling to even breathe. Now that I am officially a college graduate and moved back in with my parents (I know...woo) I have begun the process of refinding my, as Michael W. Smith would say, "Place in this World". I feel lost in transition. That overwhelming feeling that I don't belong and worse yet...that I have been forgotten. I miss my Missouri friends, but don't want to be there, but feel really lonely and a little friendless here at home. I have a couple really great friends who have been my rescue since I've been home and then have had to deal with an interresting developing friendship that I am not quite sure how to read just yet, and I think that what I had first got from them was all wrong.

Today was one of those really aweful awkward days that could have gone better 1,000 different ways than it went bad. This developing "relationship"/ friendship whatever was supposed to help me and introduce me to people to alleviate a little bit of the tension and awkwardness that comes with meeting new people and finding/fitting into a new environment. This friend did not help me at all the way I had anticipated a friend would help me and in fact may have actually hindered me from making some great new friends. I don't think their intent was to stonewall me the way they did, but they certainly didn't actively try to involve me or even show interest in the fact that I had even showed up. I left angry and hurt with my pride damaged and my sense of self value ripped to shreds. If you're looking for a way to devalue someone try ignoring the crap out of them while they sit with a group of strangers and you're the only one they know. Wow that feels good...NOT! I probably shouldn't be so hard on them, because introducing someone to others isn't that easy for some people and I shouldn't have expected the evening to go as smoothly as I had anticipated.

Long story short...coming home for good sucks. I actually have to put forth the effort to build relationships again. Even though I know people here, I have to be really careful NOT to let people put me in a box again. I am a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come. The Sarah from "the glory days" is gone. She will NEVER be back, but the new Sarah is here now, and I think she is pretty spectacular. Don't expect the new Sarah to be even remotely similar to the old one even if they are still mostly the same. The new Sarah will NOT be walked over, the new Sarah WILL stand up for herself. The new Sarah will NOT tolerate pettyness, the new Sarah is a brilliant, beautiful, God breathed mess and if you have a problem with that take it up with my creator himself!

He's Just Not That Into Me...

February has once again thrust its grimy little fingers through my heart.

Once again it reminds me that I'm single and will most likely be spending the big holiday of the month alone with some girl friends crying our way through a chick flick, wondering where all the good men are at and why they're not falling all over us.

My mail box will most likely only hold a love note from my mom and dad and it's highly unlikely that my "Crush" bought me a "Crush" or a lollypop, or a flower or whatever the heck else some random group on campus is selling to remind me of my singleness and aparent top notch repulsion abilities.

There is this boy, that I very much like.

I told him about 2 months ago how great I think he is and he said he saw us just being friends.

I like being his friend and am therefore willing to in fact JUST be his friend, but I can't help but wonder what it is that makes him just not that into me.

I know that I'm not perfect. I'm not the skinniest or the prettiest. The smartest or the funniest, but I am a jem.

I am worth pursuing, worth getting to know....

I hate Valentines Day...

I hate the way it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to love.

It's not fair!
I am determined to have a good February 14th this year.

I am going to look great, feel great, and be great.

It is his loss if he doesn't see how great I am and want to get to know me better.

Maybe next year...

(I'll still hold onto the hope that I get a "crush" from my "crush" or a lollipop from someone special, or a flower from a secret admirer.)