It’s often hard to swallow the fact that come May 1st I can’t be a “child” anymore. I’m extremely excited to be graduating from college, but I am also scared beyond belief. I have never really had to fend for myself and be an adult. I suppose that it would be accurate to say that I’m afraid of failing. Ultimately, I know God has a perfect plan and that he will take care of me, but that fear continues to resonate in my heart.
It has been a long time since I sat down and wrote out what I want from my life. I’m pretty sure the last time I took the time to do this was in High School. Maybe taking the time to write everything out will help me feel more in control of my life, and less like I am sitting around waiting for life to push me forward.
1. I would love to go to Graduate School.
I have already started the application process at Eastern Washington University. It’s not as close to home as I would really like to be, but I really feel like that is where I should go. I still plan to apply at a couple other schools if I can afford it, but ultimately I think Eastern has the best program for me. If I don’t get into the full time Advanced Standing Program I will apply for the part time Advanced Standing Program in Everett, which is a lot closer to home than Cheney. This would allow me to work while going to school.
2. If I can’t get into a Graduate program this year then I will get a social work job and apply next year when I have some field experience.
3. It is my desire to be a school social worker and to be a school social worker you have to have a Masters. I don’t exactly know how I am going to pay back all my school debt, but I’m sure that God will help me find a way.
4. I want my family to be proud of me.
5. I want my mom and dad to finally understand why I am supposed to be a social worker, why I had to come to Missouri, and why I’ve taken the paths I’m walking.
6. I want my sister to see that if she works hard enough, she can be anything she wants to be and that she doesn’t have to compromise who she is and what she believes in to do it. I want to set an example for her and watch her go above and beyond the example I’ve set. I want her to be better than me, and not make some of the mistakes that I made.
7. I want to be the woman that God has called me to be.
I have really lowered my personal standards over the last five years. I have become a person I never imagined myself being. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with the person I’ve become; I just know that it’s not who I was called to be. I’ve let the tough things in my life wear me out and tear me down more than I should. I’ve allowed myself to be in control of my future and only given God enough say to make sure I’m at least headed in the right direction, most of the time. I am tired of living this way. I am tired, thirsty, and broken. I am ready to stop fighting for myself and give God control over my everything again. It’s crazy because I’m not even entirely sure how I got to the point where I took control. All I know is that I am ready to let him love me again. Ready to be drenched by his grace, lost in his love, and filled with his forgiveness.
8. I want to be a woman worth following; a woman of great faith and integrity.
9. I want to walk in the spirit, filled with God’s great love, mercy, and grace.
10. I want to speak with kindness and purity of heart.
11. I want my mind to be on things that are holy and right.
12. I don’t want to be annoying and over-religious. I just want to be so lost in the love of Christ that people are drawn to me.
13. I don’t want to be a cliché.
14. I don’t want to make people feel worthless or less than.
15. I want to empower people to be the best possible version of themselves in Christ.
16. I want to be so beautiful inside that it shines through on the outside.
17. I want others to notice a difference in me without me having to say anything.
18. I want people to feel a sense of peace just being near me.
19. I want to reflect the intense love that Christ has for his children.
20. One of my other great desires in life is to be a wife and mother.
Now, I’ve been single for quite a few years, and it has been hard going through the emotions of feeling like I might not be good enough to love, that I’m not pretty enough, or that I’ve made too many mistakes for anyone to love me. It has been especially hard lately with a lot of my friends getting married. The hardest for me was when the guy I used to think was the one I was supposed to marry, married someone else. (FYI: I am totally happy for him!) I know that God’s plans and purposes are perfect and that he has someone incredibly special for me somewhere. It’s hard to be patient and wait for this man to come along. I know he will come and that he will be incredible. Waiting is just hard. I know that I need to be a woman worth marrying before I will find the man God is preparing for me.
21. So, I want to be a woman worth marrying.
22. I want to become this woman sooner than later and I’d like to find a man who doesn’t need “work”; a man worth marrying.
23. I want a man who will pursue me.
24. I want him to be an incredible man of faith and integrity.
25. I want him to have a desire to be in ministry in some way shape or form. He doesn’t have to be a pastor; he just has to want to donate part of his life to loving people with me.
26. I want a man who will be an incredible dad.
27. I want him to be funny, kind, and confident.
28. Someone who can handle finances well.
29. I want to find a man who will protect me and love me the way a husband should.
30. I want to be a mom.
31. I want to have three or four beautiful, healthy children.
32. I want to own a house with a big backyard.
33. I want to be successful.
34. I want to be happy.
35. I want to grow old with my husband and watch my children grow old and have their own children.
36. I want my little sister to be one of my best friends.
37. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle.
38. I want my mom to be the first person I call when I find out I'm going to have a baby.
39. I want faithful friends who stick with me through the good times and the bad; who cry with me when I can’t be strong and who laugh with me when I am.
40. I want to change the world…
I realize that I want a lot of things, that my life will not be perfect just because I wrote this out, and that some days will not be happy, but it’s totally possible for me to have all of these things. While it’s hard to wait for the things I really want. I am determined to wait on God’s timing for everything I ask, because ultimately his timing is best.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Did you get accepted in the advanced standing program at EWU?
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