Thanks For Forgetting Me

Transitions are always hard, but for some reason this latest transition is proving to be a new kind of difficult, thus making me feel like I am struggling to even breathe. Now that I am officially a college graduate and moved back in with my parents (I know...woo) I have begun the process of refinding my, as Michael W. Smith would say, "Place in this World". I feel lost in transition. That overwhelming feeling that I don't belong and worse yet...that I have been forgotten. I miss my Missouri friends, but don't want to be there, but feel really lonely and a little friendless here at home. I have a couple really great friends who have been my rescue since I've been home and then have had to deal with an interresting developing friendship that I am not quite sure how to read just yet, and I think that what I had first got from them was all wrong.

Today was one of those really aweful awkward days that could have gone better 1,000 different ways than it went bad. This developing "relationship"/ friendship whatever was supposed to help me and introduce me to people to alleviate a little bit of the tension and awkwardness that comes with meeting new people and finding/fitting into a new environment. This friend did not help me at all the way I had anticipated a friend would help me and in fact may have actually hindered me from making some great new friends. I don't think their intent was to stonewall me the way they did, but they certainly didn't actively try to involve me or even show interest in the fact that I had even showed up. I left angry and hurt with my pride damaged and my sense of self value ripped to shreds. If you're looking for a way to devalue someone try ignoring the crap out of them while they sit with a group of strangers and you're the only one they know. Wow that feels good...NOT! I probably shouldn't be so hard on them, because introducing someone to others isn't that easy for some people and I shouldn't have expected the evening to go as smoothly as I had anticipated.

Long story short...coming home for good sucks. I actually have to put forth the effort to build relationships again. Even though I know people here, I have to be really careful NOT to let people put me in a box again. I am a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come. The Sarah from "the glory days" is gone. She will NEVER be back, but the new Sarah is here now, and I think she is pretty spectacular. Don't expect the new Sarah to be even remotely similar to the old one even if they are still mostly the same. The new Sarah will NOT be walked over, the new Sarah WILL stand up for herself. The new Sarah will NOT tolerate pettyness, the new Sarah is a brilliant, beautiful, God breathed mess and if you have a problem with that take it up with my creator himself!