Give Me A Break!

I generally try to refrain from blogging about the kind of thing I am about to blog, but I am absolutely infuriated and I need to write it down.

If you read this and are offended, I apologize.

This particular blog is for everyone and no one at the same time. I would like to be able to stand up for myself regarding the matters I am about to present, but I have not been given names. So, this is me processing and explaining/standing up for myself.

Lately it seems like my parents are on my case about 2 seperate yet slightly related things. They are things that people besides me and them should have no business talking about without confronting me first.

Issue 1:

Apparently, my parents are being told the kick me out of their house because I am done with school and I'm too old to be living at home.

While my parents won't tell me who has provided this unfortunate, ill recieved advice. I happen to know who my parents friends are, and most of them have children who are 8-10 years older than me. The ones who don't married before they were 20 or are just now getting married. In my opinion people who have children falling into these categories are not qualified to give this kind of advice.

Why?

Well, it's very simple. You see, parents whose children are 8-10 years older than me, or even only 5-10 years older graduated from high school and/or college during a prosperous time in our nation. Well paying jobs were readily available and believe it or not, surviving was a little easier. I read a news article today that said that the number of people living in poverty in our nation is thought to be underestimated this year by close to 9 million due to our struggling economy. Most of the unemployed people are being forced to seek jobs considered as "under-employment" because the job qualifications are staggeringly lower that their education and experience. It is estimated that, on average, it is taking college graduates 4-6 months to find jobs that they are many times overqualified for. As for the parents of people whose children got married when they were still teenagers or recently got married. I AM NOT MARRIED, nor will I be married anytime in the next 12 months (at least I think). Being married is a different story. No married couple in their right mind would live with their parents unless they had absolutely no other option. Being married is more expensive, but some things come cheaper and you generally have 2 incomes to work with. Of my single friends who have recently moved out of their parents homes, many of them have been graduated from college for over a year and just now found a decent job and/or have saved enough money to survive.

Give me a break!

I have only been out of college and back in Washington for 5 months. I am still within that 4-6 month waiting period for "finding a job". Yes, I am temping, but I have been given a tentative hire date of October 28th at Bank of America. It is not at all what I went to school for, but it will help me to be independant. I don't want to live with my parents any more than they want me living with them. I've been on my own for 5 years and I LOVED it! I just cannot financially afford to move out. I have thousand of dollars in student loans about to come out of grace. My goal is to have my own place by January. Realisticly though it would not be unusual if it took me till next September to have enough money saved to support myself the way I need to, to move out. This is a different era. Yes, I am almost 24 and still relying greatly on my parents, but I am in a grace period.

Give me a chance to get my footing before you judge me and feed me to the wolves. I am doing the best that I can with what I have been given.

Issue 2:

If you don't like what I have to say on Facebook (or on any other blog/social networking site, etc.), DELETE ME, BLOCK ME, CONFRONT ME, WHATEVER, but please, please, please, leave my parents out of it!

I am an adult. Even though I am residing at my parents house, I am my own person. I have my own thoughts, and feelings, and behaviors. I apologize if you think I am crazy, rude, inappropriate or whatever you may think about me. What I have to say is not about you or even for you (except for right now).

Yes I am publicly posting those inner thoughts and feelings, and sometimes what I think or feel isn't always the nicest or whatever, but I say what I have to say for my benefit.

My Facebook and Myspace are private. For anyone to see what I have posted I have to accept their request or request for them to be my friend so they can see what I have to say. No employer or person or group can see my profile without my permission and even then I have the ability to limit what they can and cannot see. Since I have recently had issues with people complaining to my parents about my opinions I have blocked most people over the age of 35 from seeing my status updates and wall posts so that there are no more issues, but I really shouldn't have to do that.

It is my Constitutional, 1st Amendment right to have the FREEDOM OF SPEECH and the FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION. Never once have I violated any kind of "privacy policy" when voicing what may seem to be a negative opinion in a status update. I have not given names or locations. I have simply expressed myself in a manner that, for me, helps relieve stress and allows me to process things going on in my life in a more appropriate manner than telling the stupid lady next to me that she is confusing people more than helping and making everyone else's job harder. I have never used company time to update my status and I would never post anything that could get me in trouble with the company/employees and am working for/with. If, at the end of a long day my feet hurt and are tired, it is my right to tell my Facebook friends that I had a long day at work and my feet hurt and I'm tired. I am not saying I don't like my job. I'm not speaking negatively about the job or anyone at the job I am just saying I am tired. Everyone has days like that because it's work.

Also, know that half of what I say/write in a status update is said with some hint of sarcasm. I obviously do not think that shooting myself in the foot repeatedly would be more pleasurable than spending the day with incompetant people. I am just expressing frustration with people who make my life more difficult. DON'T READ INTO IT!
Ultimately, if something I post get's me in trouble down the line with an employer or someone else. I have to deal with the consequenses. I am fully aware of this. I am, after all, AN ADULT. Thank you for your concern, but I have taken the neccessary procautions to protect myself. If the worst thing I ever do is express my positive and negative feelings on Facebook, I am far better off than most of my peers. I am so sorry if that offends you, but my voice is my most powerful tool and I will use it as I please. I do not tell you what is right or wrong to say on Facebook. If I don't like it, I ignore it. Please do the same for me. If you must express concern or question a statement, DO NOT GO TO MY PARENTS, they are not me and they have no control over what I put on Facebook. Overall, I am a genuinely kind person, but I do have thoughts and feeling that I am entitled to share on my page on facebook. You are entitled to delete me, confront me, block me, whatever. But please keep your issues with me and my thoughts between you and I.

Thank you!

When God Is Silent

A few years ago I read, The Applause of Heaven by Max Lucado which is about the There is a chapter in it about "...for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." The chapter is entitled "The Kingdom Worth Dying For". It talks about John the Baptist and the events that lead up to his death. How he questioned whether Jesus was the one he was preparing the way for, he felt like Jesus didn't care, that God had abandoned him. Max notes that to some Jesus' response may be puzzling. He responded saying, "everything is going as planned, the blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leaprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead have life, and the good news is being preached to the poor." John was hoping that Jesus would free him, rescue him from death, but Jesus' answer explained everything John needed to know. I love the way Max Lucado words things...he says...
"It wasn't that Jesus was silent; it was that John had been listening for the wrong answer. John had been listening for the answer to his earthly problems, while Jesus was busy resolving his heavenly ones. That's worth remembering next time you hear the silence of God. If you've asked for a mate, but are still sleeping alone . . . if you've asked for a child, but your womb stays barren . . . if you've asked for healing, but are still hurting . . . don't think God isn't listening. He is. And he is answering requests you are not even making." . . . Please catch this, it's powerful . . ."Does that mean Jesus has no reguard for injustice? No. He cares about persecutions. He cares about iniquities and hunger and prejudice. And he knows what it is like to be punished for something he didn't do. He knows the meaning of the phrase, 'It's just not right'. For it wasn't right that people spit into the eyes that had wept for them. It wasn't right that soldiers ripped chunks of flesh out of the back of their God. It wasn't right that spikes pierced the hands that formed the earth. And it wasn't right that the Son of God was forced to hear the silence of God.It wasn't right, but it happened.For while Jesus was on the cross, God did sit on his hands. He did turn his back. He did ignore the screams of the innocent. He sat in silence while the sins of the world were placed upon his Son. And he did nothing while a cry a million times bloodier than John's echoed in the black sky; 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'Was it right, no. Was it fair, no. Was it love? Yes.In a world of injustice, God once and for all tipped the scales in the favor of hope. And he did it by sitting on his hands so that we could know the kingdom of God."
I have come to realize that some of my biggest failures, my biggest heartaches, and greatest letdowns were really God sitting on his hands because he knew that the pain of not having those things exatly my way was far less than the pain I would have experienced otherwise. Sometimes I get angry at God. I yell at him for not understanding what it feels like to never have things work out the way I want them too. I tell him that he has no idea how it feels to pray and pray for something that doesn't happen. I guess I'm wrong. He really does know how it feels, he really does understand.

I Will Be Still

A lot has been going on in my world over the last few months. I've faced some big transitions. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone in almost every area of my life. I've fallen, I've failed, I've cried. I've been frustrated. I've laughed. I've had the time of my life. But looking up from the mess and the pain I've lived in for the past few months I realized that I forgot how to just

BE STILL.
Backtracking a few months...in November the radio in my car went out. At first I was really frustrated about it. I hated that it was so quiet in my car. I was alone with my thoughts, my fears, my dreams... But after a while I found the quiet to be a place of refuge and peace. I looked forward to taking a drive in the stillness of my car. In time I started being my own radio, I would sing anything and everything. Sometimes I would make up my own lyrics to familiar melodies about the random things happening in my life. I would often laugh, knowing that if anyone else heard the words I was singing I would totally get made fun of. There were also times that I would rock out with myself and Jesus to my favorite worship songs or just sing my own songs and talk to Jesus about my life. There were even days that I would just sit in the complete silence of my car and listen. Listen for something, anything. Sometimes I would even yell at God in frustration that I couldn't hear him, but looking back now, it was in those silent moments that he taught me the most. Honestly, I really miss those quiet moments. My car radio finally got fixed so I could sell it in April. But those 5 radioless months helped me through some rather difficult and confusing time.
Since being home and having a car with a radio, I have forgotten how to just enjoy quietness. I have forgotten to just BE STILL! Maybe it has contributed to my current state of confusion or maybe it's just the season of life I'm in. This last week and a half, however, I have asked myself a lot of questions and made a lot of excuses. My heart says one thing, my flesh says another, and all the noise and conflict in my spirit has me more frustrated and confused than ever. I don't really know where I am, or how to get to where I want to be, and sometimes I'm not even sure I want the things I want.
On the way home from church tonight I decided that it was time to revisit the quiet place in my car. So I turned the radio off and just listened. What I heard was the familiar voice of my father saying "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10a (NLT). The rest of the way home I sang one of my favorite songs of all time (yes I do realize that singing isn't exactly being quiet, but it was what I needed). The song I sang is very fitting for the circumstances of my life. The best part is that the song is more than just lyrics and a pretty melody, but it's a great reminder to me that my heavenly father has my life under control. That even though crazieness surrounds me, he has hidden me in his wings and covered me with his mightly hand.
I am challenging myself to go radioless in my car from today through the end of September.
I dare you to do it with me.

You don't always have to sing or pray, sometimes you should just listen. You never know what God will say to you...

STILL -Hillsong

Hide me now
Under Your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father you are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Come Thirsty

I found this blog I wrote on Facebook earlier this year and the truth and sincerity resounded in my heart and I felt the need to post it on here...

I have been reading from the book Cast of Characters by Max Lucado. He subtitles the work Common People in the Hands of an Uncommon God. Each chapter explores the story and lessons of a Biblical character. Today I just happened to read about the woman (in the book of Luke) who washed Jesus’ feet. I was really moved by the way Max tells her story and I wanted to share it with you. As a preface, I wanted to title this, A Lesson on Love from a Biblical Whore, but I thought that people would be offended and not read it if I titled it that. The truth is though, that this woman was just that, a whore. She sold her body on the street and thought nothing of it . . . that is, until she met Jesus. Max Lucado notes that we don’t know where she first met Jesus or anything about their relationship prior to her humbling act in Luke 7. All we know of her, we know from Jesus words to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t even offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has been kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” (Luke 7:40-47 NLT) Now I have read this story many many times and have always thought it was touching, but I did not realize what it meant. I knew she was a sinner and that she honored Jesus love for her in a beautiful way, but I missed the whole part about Simon being put off by her "sinful" profession of love to “his” Savior. Max writes, “You’d think the woman would avoid Jesus. Is she not the woman of the night? The town hussy? But she can’t resist him. Simon’s ‘love’ is calibrated and stingy. Her love, on the other hand, is extravagant and risky”. I love that, RISKY LOVE. “She came thirsty. Thirsty from guilt. Thirsty from regret. Thirsty from the countless nights of making love and finding none. She came thirsty. And when Jesus hands her the goblet of grace, she drinks. She doesn’t just taste or nip. She doesn’t just dip her finger and lick it or take the cup and sip it. She lifts the liquid to her lips and drinks, gulping, swallowing like the parched pilgrim she is. She drinks until the mercy flows down her chin and onto her neck and chest. She drinks until every inch of her soul is moist and soft. She comes thirsty and she drinks. She drinks deeply”. I love the picture Max paints here. I see a woman so thirsty that the liquid gushes out soaking her clothes and the ground around her. Almost as if a bucket was being dumped over her head. She becomes drenched in Jesus’ thirst quenching grace!
This picture reminded me how thirsty I am. I am craving a drink like the one she took.“Simon on the other hand, doesn’t even know he is thirsty. People like Simon don’t need grace; they analyze it. They don’t request mercy; they debate and prorate it. It wasn’t that Simon couldn’t be forgiven; he just never asks to be”.The chapter goes on to explain how we try to love other’s we say “I’m supposed to love my neighbor? Okay. By golly, I will.So we try. Teeth clenched. Jaw firm. We’re going to love if it kills us! And it may do just that.Could we be missing a step? Could it be that the first step of love is not toward them but toward him? Could it be that the secret to loving is receiving? You give love by first receiving it. ‘We love, because He first loved us’ (1 John 4:19 NASB).What a novel thought. To love others we need to experience Christ’s love for us and the deeper we let him love us the deeper we will be able to love and accept others. Those who really know me know that loving people the way Christ loves me is my number one goal in life. I am usually pretty horrible at doing this, but still I try. I am determined to let Jesus love me so that I can model that love to others.I close with Max’s words,“God loved you. Personally. Powerfully. Passionately. Others have promised and failed. But Gof has promised and succeeded. He loves you with an unfailing love. And his love-if you will let it-can fill you and leave you with a love worth giving. So come. Come thirsty and drink deeply”.

At A Crossroad

As we grow up, life hands us a series of tests that end up defining who we become during the next leg of the journey. Generally the test is some kind of compromising situation, or tough decision. Never-the-less, whatever it is that life throws at us we generally tend to feel a little left in the lurch and unsure of what to do.

For most of my life I have done fairly well with these tests, but I have recently embarked on a journey that has ended up throwing a few my way in which I am torn about what to do. I will spare my readers the details because to some they would bore, to others, beckon questions for which I am not ready to answer.

The part I hate is that I know what the "right" decisions are I just am not sure it's what I want because maybe they are the right decisions for others around me, but not me right now.

I am so sick of letting other people's idea of what is "right" hold me back, and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. I realize that sometimes their definition is meant to protect me, but at the same time...what if I don't want to be protected anymore? What if I want to experience life and take in all it has to offer?

Being home often feels like a trap. I am trapped by other people's expectations of me so much that I don't even remember who I really am. It's a constant battle between my heart and my love. My heart says live, my love says obey.

Where is the balance?

I don't want to live in regret.

I could regret not trying or I could regret that I did.

I'm tired of living scared...

I don't want to disappoint anyone, but in pleasing everyone else in what I do with my life I feel like I am disappointing myself.
I think that I've made my mind up and I don't think that some people are going to like my choices, but I feel like being a little bit selfish.

What does it really matter what I do as long as I honor God?

I Read It In A Book

I was watching the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" today with my mom and sister. I like the movie because, as a "recovering" Gigi, it fills me with hope that someday I will be someone's exception to the rule instead of always the rule (Watch the movie if you're lost or even better yet read the book). After seeing the movie in the theater and being overwhelmed by how creepy my actions towards potential "mates" were I decided to read the book.

Now I read a lot of books and I am NOT one to read dating books or anything of that general topic base. Mainly because most of them out there are faith based, which isn't bad, just not always realistic and I am tired of living in a fantasy world that dreams come true...they totally do, but I guess I'm at a point where I feel like life is all about hanging on and hoping for the best...that's another blog though...

Anyway, I have ended up reading my fair share of relationship/dating books this year. One of the best being "He's Just Not That Into You" I really learned a lot about myself from the book and it was supplemental to another book I read called "Marriable" which happened to be a faith based relationship book that I happened upon one afternoon at Barnes and Noble. The two books seemed to fill in the lines of the other. After reading them I felt empowered, like I was ready to find the right guy. Unfortunately however, the right guy for me has not been ready to be found. It really makes me laugh because looking back on it now, I was feeling so desperate and alone I was willing to listen to and follow any guidance to fixing myself into being "the right girl", when the whole message of "He's Just Not That Into You" is that I already am...

Why do I listen to things I read in books as complete truth, as the answer to all my problems. A book is just one persons opinion on the "right way" to do something.

Reality is that while both books may have a lot of "right" things in them, only ONE book is 100% right and true and that's the one that God inspired, that's right I'm talking about the B-I-B-L-E. That might sound a bit like a copout, but really, there are some amazing love stories in that book. There is the story of Esther, Ruth, Sarah, Mary, Rachel and Leah, etc.

Really the point in me writing this is just to remind myself is that God's plan is perfect. It is a proven fact! If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself...

Anyway, I know that in HIS time I will find that which I long for, but until then I will continue to be romanced by the king of the ages, singing about a passion I daily experience, perpetually lost in the beauty of Jesus my Savior, dancing the night away at the foot of his throne...

Thanks For Forgetting Me

Transitions are always hard, but for some reason this latest transition is proving to be a new kind of difficult, thus making me feel like I am struggling to even breathe. Now that I am officially a college graduate and moved back in with my parents (I know...woo) I have begun the process of refinding my, as Michael W. Smith would say, "Place in this World". I feel lost in transition. That overwhelming feeling that I don't belong and worse yet...that I have been forgotten. I miss my Missouri friends, but don't want to be there, but feel really lonely and a little friendless here at home. I have a couple really great friends who have been my rescue since I've been home and then have had to deal with an interresting developing friendship that I am not quite sure how to read just yet, and I think that what I had first got from them was all wrong.

Today was one of those really aweful awkward days that could have gone better 1,000 different ways than it went bad. This developing "relationship"/ friendship whatever was supposed to help me and introduce me to people to alleviate a little bit of the tension and awkwardness that comes with meeting new people and finding/fitting into a new environment. This friend did not help me at all the way I had anticipated a friend would help me and in fact may have actually hindered me from making some great new friends. I don't think their intent was to stonewall me the way they did, but they certainly didn't actively try to involve me or even show interest in the fact that I had even showed up. I left angry and hurt with my pride damaged and my sense of self value ripped to shreds. If you're looking for a way to devalue someone try ignoring the crap out of them while they sit with a group of strangers and you're the only one they know. Wow that feels good...NOT! I probably shouldn't be so hard on them, because introducing someone to others isn't that easy for some people and I shouldn't have expected the evening to go as smoothly as I had anticipated.

Long story short...coming home for good sucks. I actually have to put forth the effort to build relationships again. Even though I know people here, I have to be really careful NOT to let people put me in a box again. I am a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come. The Sarah from "the glory days" is gone. She will NEVER be back, but the new Sarah is here now, and I think she is pretty spectacular. Don't expect the new Sarah to be even remotely similar to the old one even if they are still mostly the same. The new Sarah will NOT be walked over, the new Sarah WILL stand up for herself. The new Sarah will NOT tolerate pettyness, the new Sarah is a brilliant, beautiful, God breathed mess and if you have a problem with that take it up with my creator himself!

He's Just Not That Into Me...

February has once again thrust its grimy little fingers through my heart.

Once again it reminds me that I'm single and will most likely be spending the big holiday of the month alone with some girl friends crying our way through a chick flick, wondering where all the good men are at and why they're not falling all over us.

My mail box will most likely only hold a love note from my mom and dad and it's highly unlikely that my "Crush" bought me a "Crush" or a lollypop, or a flower or whatever the heck else some random group on campus is selling to remind me of my singleness and aparent top notch repulsion abilities.

There is this boy, that I very much like.

I told him about 2 months ago how great I think he is and he said he saw us just being friends.

I like being his friend and am therefore willing to in fact JUST be his friend, but I can't help but wonder what it is that makes him just not that into me.

I know that I'm not perfect. I'm not the skinniest or the prettiest. The smartest or the funniest, but I am a jem.

I am worth pursuing, worth getting to know....

I hate Valentines Day...

I hate the way it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to love.

It's not fair!
I am determined to have a good February 14th this year.

I am going to look great, feel great, and be great.

It is his loss if he doesn't see how great I am and want to get to know me better.

Maybe next year...

(I'll still hold onto the hope that I get a "crush" from my "crush" or a lollipop from someone special, or a flower from a secret admirer.)

The Sin Inside Me

So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Romans 7:14-25

Take Me For A Joyride!

Life is always an adventure.

I love it!

It seems like I've been finding a lot of adventure recently, it's either that or my Senioritis has set in and I just want to spend my last few months here enjoying people and things that I won't be able to do when real adulthood kicks in.

Sunday night after work a couple friends and I "borrowed" a shopping cart from Price Cutter... It was for a class project about Homelessness, but it is going down in history as one of the greatest memories I've made at Evangel thus far.

Yesterday we were hit with ice and sleet making the roads slick. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to venture out to a friends house for pizza, movies, and an adventure. We made it successfully to the house with only one mishap. That being me sliding into someone's front yard, and driving through their grass to regain control of good 'ole Pearl (my car)! It was really scary I was just lucky they didn't have any trees or vehicles I could have slammed into.

Later in the evening we decided to go play in the mess outside. We ventured into the unknown, AKA a drainage tunnel that fills during heavy rains, most of the year it is empty and dry. While inside the tunnel we found a smaller tunnel and decided to see where it led. About 100 yards in it got scary and we decided it would be best to turn around. Of course the guys I was with decided to freak me out, so I'm franticly crawling though this, "man hole" sized tunnel to get to safety. At the end I was pushed out and I didn't get my feet planted just right when I catapulted to the ground and landed on my ankle wrong. It really hurt, but I walked it off. And then walked some more and about 2 hours later finally got back to the house to take some I.B. Prufen. Luckily the 18 degree weather acted as a giant atmospheric ice pack and kept it from swelling too bad. Unfortunately this morning, I woke up with a balloon for an ankle. Yay for spraining your ankle on an adventure!

Regardless it was a blast and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
As soon as my ankle heals of course...

So I think I'll continue to take life for a joy ride...
at least this week!

Static

The weather/atmosphere/whatever here in Missouri really messes with my hair and I am not too happy about it. I look like my hair got in a fight with a balloon and lost.

Also the cold makes my nose runny which is not very exciting. Actually it is quite frustrating to have to always have a kleenex on hand.
It all kind of reminds me of the 2 year old version of myself, playing at the park in the winter. We all know what slides to do fine hair...

I hate it when your hair gets static and sticks to your face, hands, and whatever else you use to try to move is...at least as an adult I know tricks to make it a little less static. When I was 2 I had no idea what to do and it'd get in my runny nose and well...you get the picture. Somehow though people still thought I was cute.

Too bad static hair and runny noses are only cute when you're 2 and playing at the park...

The Trip From Hades

So I am currently typing from St. Louis' Lambert Airport. I arrived here at about 6:30pm central time, ate some dinner. Rented a movie from the red box, watched it and then found out that my flight (which was scheduled to leave at 9pm) would be about four hours late.

This wouldn't be so bad if St. Louis wasn't a whopping three hour drive from Springfield.

Seriously...

I am trying to figure out what the heck I am doing sitting here. By the time I land in Springfield around 1am I will have sat for approximately 12 hours, that's including the two hour time change. I arrived at Sea-Tac Airport at 11am Pacific time and will have spent a whole 3.5 hours on an airplane and 9 hours waiting for one...

My back is killing me, I'm hungry and all the places are now closed, I had to pay $8 just to use the internet, and I'm tired. I know I'm whining, but seriously, this is ridiculous. I could have driven to Springfield twice in the amount of time I've waited for this plane.

I really should ask for double the airline miles or something...

It All Comes To An End

Sadly, my Christmas break has come to a close.

I am all packed...well pretty much...and have everything in order to head to the airport and back to Missouri in the morning. I would say I'm all "ready to go", but who is ever really ready to leave home for a long period of time?

I for sure am not!

It's weird to think that I'm kinda excited to get back to see friends and that this is the last semester I will ever see some of these friends. I forgot about that part of my education when I moved to Missouri. I am excited for all that this FINAL semester has to offer, and kind of heart broken. I hate that I have finally gotten to a comfortable place there and it's almost time to go. Grrr...this love hate relationship I have with Missouri!

My point in writing today, however, has nothing to do with the end of my academic career at Evangel. It has everything to do with my family (and friends) and the memories I have made over my break.

My Favorite Things

Memories from Christmas Break 08-09

1. Snow...

It snowed more than I have EVER seen it snow in Seattle. It is the most snow I've ever seen that wasn't on a mountain.

2. The Great Christmas Tree Adventure...

Ahh the memory of trekking through the snow with my family to find the perfect tree. It was really fun. There was a plastic igloo covered in snow, peacocks, and talking turkeys! I went over to the turkeys and greeted them with a "gobble gobble" and would you believe it...they responded back with a rousing "gobble gobble gobble". My mom, sister, and I laughed so hard we almost peed our pants!

3. Sledding with Emily...

So before it snowed 3 ft...as in when it had only snowed 2, my sister and I stole, well borrowed, with permission, one of the neighbor kids' sleds and trekked over to the High School, which boasts some pretty gnarly hills, for a sister sledding escapade! If only you could have seen us. We both put on WAY too many layers and were wearing old snow clothes that barely fit. My bibs were high waters and my boots were low rise which with any sudden movement proved disastrous for my socks... Needless to say every time I bent over, stepped, etc. I had to beg my sister to pull my pants down. I would have done it myself, except for the fear of the bibs ripping up the back. We had a grand 'ole time, my sister and me! We crashed more than enough times, slid down the steepest hill ever on our bellies, and laughed crying in the snow exhausted. Upon arrival home, my sister discovered that she has sweat more than she ever had when her gray shirt, under all the layers was sopping wet with sweat. All the between layers were dry... Oh man, I'm laughing right now just retelling this story. It was seriously, THE MOST FUN, I've ever had with my sister.

4. Christmas Eve...

Christmas Eve is slammed with tradition for the Graver household. The morning is spent, cooking, and preparing for the Graver family get together, when we pack all of my aunt's, uncle's, and cousins under one roof, eat, play, open gifts, and engage in a gift wrap paper wad war. Since there were no babies present this year there wasn't a safe place to hide, and brilliant me sat in the middle of it all with a headache. Prime target for all. Needless to say I got pegged in the head more than a few times, but it was fun. Most of us braved the 3ft of snow to make it and watched as another foot of massive flakes covered our tracks while we enjoyed each other's company. I killed my relatives on an XBox game called LIPS. It's like Karaoke, but 10 times better. I got the highest score on my uncles game! Upon arrival home, gifts from the Graver exchange in tow, my mom, dad, sister and I turned up the Christmas tunes, and opened our gifts to each other. We all got some great surprises. I love seeing the looks on their faces when they open my gifts...as Sue from the Surprise Party SNL skit would say, "It's the best part!" After gift opening we all head to bead and dream of what Santa (mom) will bring!

5. Christmas Day...

Since we couldn't find our stockings this year..."Santa" put our gifts in boxes. Christmas morning we open our gifts from Santa, listen to Christmas music, cook, and wait for Grandma and Grandpa Permann to arrive. This year due to the snow and their age, they took the train. This year we got the bonus of a white Christmas...we watched it snow all day. It was magical. It was only the second Christmas in my lifetime I've seen it snow. I won't bore you with our Christmas Day details, except know that my dad HATES cordialed cherries, but my grandma thinks he loves them. Ha ha ha, this always makes for a good laugh every Christmas when she gives him at least a box or two.

6. House Sitting...Or Not...

My dear friend Marla had me stay with her while she was house sitting, yeah, for a whole 6 hours. The family came home early. The fun part though was before they came home and we played in the snow like 5 year olds. Catching the HUGE flakes on our tongues, traipsing around in untouched snow that came up past our knees, jumping face first into the snow, and pushing each other down (the snow was so deep that if you fell you were almost kinda stuck in your hole till you got help). We ended up staying at my house after seeing a movie and having dinner with other friends. It was grand!

7. Emily and the Cheese Knife...

My sister LOVES gift exchanges. Well really who doesn't? Funny thing is that this year, at the Permann family gift exchange, Emily got cheese and a cheese knife. Ha ha ha ha, just what every 14 year old girl wants. She was so bitter that I got two movie tickets!

8. Dinner With Lizel...

My eldest friend Lizel and I drove up to Lynwood and ate at the Spaghetti Factory and talked. It was so good to spend time with her. She's my littlest friend!

9. New Years on the Island...

This new years I spent with my friend Marla on Camano Island in the Puget Sound (salt water). We stayed at the beach house of the family she is staying with right now. They cooked me so much food I gained 5 lbs. I loved my walk on the beach, making jokes about "marf knitting" (marf = man scarf, a scarf that a man wears), and sleeping in sub-freezing temperatures. It was really great to relax and do nothing in such a beautiful place. Uff da!

10. Beppo's...

My family and I drove into Seattle one evening for my favorite Italian food, Buca di Beppo's. Sadly my favorite item was no longer on the menu. Dinner was still good just a little sad.

11. Shopping with Cassie...

My best roommate and I got together and went to the mall to spend/return holiday gifts. She is one of my most amazing friends. I love that we can be apart for so long but hang out together like we never were.

12. My Dad's Golfing...

My dad got this annoying computer golf game for Christmas and he's been fixated at the computer since he got it. It's hilarious to watch though because when he swings the club at the ball he makes a HUGE jerky motion with the mouse and it looks and sounds like he's trying to take the kitchen counter out... =D

13. Marley and Me with my Mom...

Long story short, my mom and I saw the "Closed Captioned" version of Marley and Me. As in the screen had words on it. Not only that...but the rude mother next to us brought her 3 year old child who couldn't sit still OR be quiet. The kid talked over the movie AND cried and if she wasn't doing that she was running up and down the stairs. It was frustrating and the perfect example of why you shouldn't bring young children to a movie.

All and all it was a pretty good break. I hope you enjoyed the stories

New Adventures

With a new year and countless possibilities for new adventures, I thought it would be appropriate to jump on the band wagon and get my own blog, separate from Facebook and Myspace, to share with whomever is intrigued, the goings on of my chaotic, common life.

This new year brings about timely change. Not only will I grow a year older, I will grow wiser, and stronger. I will start new victorious adventures and I will face planting violently in the middle of others.

All of the possibilities for adventure and life changes to come with this new year have caused me to spend a lot of time thinking about what I really want from my life. While it seems that this question is asked of me on a regular basis, I realized that I really haven’t put much thought into what I really want, who I really want to be, and how I want to get there.

It’s often hard to swallow the fact that come May 1st I can’t be a “child” anymore. I’m extremely excited to be graduating from college, but I am also scared beyond belief. I have never really had to fend for myself and be an adult. I suppose that it would be accurate to say that I’m afraid of failing. Ultimately, I know God has a perfect plan and that he will take care of me, but that fear continues to resonate in my heart.
It has been a long time since I sat down and wrote out what I want from my life. I’m pretty sure the last time I took the time to do this was in High School. Maybe taking the time to write everything out will help me feel more in control of my life, and less like I am sitting around waiting for life to push me forward.

1. I would love to go to Graduate School.

I have already started the application process at Eastern Washington University. It’s not as close to home as I would really like to be, but I really feel like that is where I should go. I still plan to apply at a couple other schools if I can afford it, but ultimately I think Eastern has the best program for me. If I don’t get into the full time Advanced Standing Program I will apply for the part time Advanced Standing Program in Everett, which is a lot closer to home than Cheney. This would allow me to work while going to school.

2. If I can’t get into a Graduate program this year then I will get a social work job and apply next year when I have some field experience.

3. It is my desire to be a school social worker and to be a school social worker you have to have a Masters. I don’t exactly know how I am going to pay back all my school debt, but I’m sure that God will help me find a way.

4. I want my family to be proud of me.

5. I want my mom and dad to finally understand why I am supposed to be a social worker, why I had to come to Missouri, and why I’ve taken the paths I’m walking.

6. I want my sister to see that if she works hard enough, she can be anything she wants to be and that she doesn’t have to compromise who she is and what she believes in to do it. I want to set an example for her and watch her go above and beyond the example I’ve set. I want her to be better than me, and not make some of the mistakes that I made.

7. I want to be the woman that God has called me to be.
I have really lowered my personal standards over the last five years. I have become a person I never imagined myself being. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with the person I’ve become; I just know that it’s not who I was called to be. I’ve let the tough things in my life wear me out and tear me down more than I should. I’ve allowed myself to be in control of my future and only given God enough say to make sure I’m at least headed in the right direction, most of the time. I am tired of living this way. I am tired, thirsty, and broken. I am ready to stop fighting for myself and give God control over my everything again. It’s crazy because I’m not even entirely sure how I got to the point where I took control. All I know is that I am ready to let him love me again. Ready to be drenched by his grace, lost in his love, and filled with his forgiveness.

8. I want to be a woman worth following; a woman of great faith and integrity.

9. I want to walk in the spirit, filled with God’s great love, mercy, and grace.

10. I want to speak with kindness and purity of heart.

11. I want my mind to be on things that are holy and right.

12. I don’t want to be annoying and over-religious. I just want to be so lost in the love of Christ that people are drawn to me.

13. I don’t want to be a cliché.

14. I don’t want to make people feel worthless or less than.

15. I want to empower people to be the best possible version of themselves in Christ.

16. I want to be so beautiful inside that it shines through on the outside.

17. I want others to notice a difference in me without me having to say anything.

18. I want people to feel a sense of peace just being near me.

19. I want to reflect the intense love that Christ has for his children.

20. One of my other great desires in life is to be a wife and mother.

Now, I’ve been single for quite a few years, and it has been hard going through the emotions of feeling like I might not be good enough to love, that I’m not pretty enough, or that I’ve made too many mistakes for anyone to love me. It has been especially hard lately with a lot of my friends getting married. The hardest for me was when the guy I used to think was the one I was supposed to marry, married someone else. (FYI: I am totally happy for him!) I know that God’s plans and purposes are perfect and that he has someone incredibly special for me somewhere. It’s hard to be patient and wait for this man to come along. I know he will come and that he will be incredible. Waiting is just hard. I know that I need to be a woman worth marrying before I will find the man God is preparing for me.

21. So, I want to be a woman worth marrying.

22. I want to become this woman sooner than later and I’d like to find a man who doesn’t need “work”; a man worth marrying.

23. I want a man who will pursue me.

24. I want him to be an incredible man of faith and integrity.

25. I want him to have a desire to be in ministry in some way shape or form. He doesn’t have to be a pastor; he just has to want to donate part of his life to loving people with me.

26. I want a man who will be an incredible dad.

27. I want him to be funny, kind, and confident.

28. Someone who can handle finances well.

29. I want to find a man who will protect me and love me the way a husband should.

30. I want to be a mom.

31. I want to have three or four beautiful, healthy children.

32. I want to own a house with a big backyard.

33. I want to be successful.

34. I want to be happy.

35. I want to grow old with my husband and watch my children grow old and have their own children.

36. I want my little sister to be one of my best friends.

37. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

38. I want my mom to be the first person I call when I find out I'm going to have a baby.

39. I want faithful friends who stick with me through the good times and the bad; who cry with me when I can’t be strong and who laugh with me when I am.

40. I want to change the world…

I realize that I want a lot of things, that my life will not be perfect just because I wrote this out, and that some days will not be happy, but it’s totally possible for me to have all of these things. While it’s hard to wait for the things I really want. I am determined to wait on God’s timing for everything I ask, because ultimately his timing is best.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?