Good Golly, Be Nice!

While I am generally happy with where my life is at right now I find my days being filled more and more with anger, frustration and hurt. I keep feeling an intense desire to become someone else to gain the useless acceptance of friends who seldom act like friends.

It's almost like I'm stuck in an adult version the nightmare that is high school. Everything is filled with drama and popularity rules, and quite frankly I am losing my patience.

I hate my desire for acceptance. I hate that I fall short, and even more, I hate that I allow myself to be a part of it.

Maybe it's wrong, but I prayed today that God would do something in me, through me, with me that would allow me to "stick it to the man". To make those people who make me hopelessly jump through hoops like a fool feel bad that they ever mistreated me. I want them to want to be part my friend. I want them to learn kindness and consideration. I wish they could hear, see and feel how they make others feel.

I don't want to be judgemental like they are.

I don't want to gossip like they do.

I don't want to laugh at other's expense like them.

I want God to ruin them.

I want them to get so messed up by Jesus that they cannot continue treating others with such disrespect.

Right now I am hurt and angry.

I want so badly to not care what they think about me, but reality is that not trying to be their friend is pretty lonely.

History Repeats

If history repeats itself than this is the part where I fail.
This is the part where I am overcome by negative self-talk and begin to experiment in destructive behaviors.
I see it coming almost every time.
I see it and know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop it.
The weight of my thoughts cause a pain so deep that it rips apart every shred of confidence I cling to; causing a desperate desire to control something, anything.
Often I am delusioned into believing that the only thing I can control is my own satisfaction. That quest for satisfaction has led me down some pretty disreputable roads.

Reality is that Christ offers more than enough fulfillment if I only abandon all control of the scary things in my life.
Letting go and facing the things that might humiliate me and cause life altering pain are proven to be the only way to avoid the deception that I am in control.
It is an undeniable fact that man must serve something or someone; that control of one’s life can only be dictated by one of two beings, God or satan.
The bible says that man can only serve one master you either become a slave to sin or a slave to Christ.
Any who claim to be caught in the middle serve the master of sin.
It is absolute truth that a person who sits in Church every Sunday, sings all the right songs, prays all the right prayers, and says all the right things can still be held captive, entangled by sin. Only when man gives up his earthly rights and symbolically gives up his life, will the chains of sin be relinquished and the freedom of captivity in Christ be accomplished.
I want to find the courage to abandon control of those shameful and unpardonable things in my life.
I want to experience Christ’s fullness and joy through the pain of dealing with the things in my life I’ve tried to disguise and ignore for so long.
I want to know forgiveness and freedom.
I no longer want to allow history to repeat itself.

Give Me A Break!

I generally try to refrain from blogging about the kind of thing I am about to blog, but I am absolutely infuriated and I need to write it down.

If you read this and are offended, I apologize.

This particular blog is for everyone and no one at the same time. I would like to be able to stand up for myself regarding the matters I am about to present, but I have not been given names. So, this is me processing and explaining/standing up for myself.

Lately it seems like my parents are on my case about 2 seperate yet slightly related things. They are things that people besides me and them should have no business talking about without confronting me first.

Issue 1:

Apparently, my parents are being told the kick me out of their house because I am done with school and I'm too old to be living at home.

While my parents won't tell me who has provided this unfortunate, ill recieved advice. I happen to know who my parents friends are, and most of them have children who are 8-10 years older than me. The ones who don't married before they were 20 or are just now getting married. In my opinion people who have children falling into these categories are not qualified to give this kind of advice.

Why?

Well, it's very simple. You see, parents whose children are 8-10 years older than me, or even only 5-10 years older graduated from high school and/or college during a prosperous time in our nation. Well paying jobs were readily available and believe it or not, surviving was a little easier. I read a news article today that said that the number of people living in poverty in our nation is thought to be underestimated this year by close to 9 million due to our struggling economy. Most of the unemployed people are being forced to seek jobs considered as "under-employment" because the job qualifications are staggeringly lower that their education and experience. It is estimated that, on average, it is taking college graduates 4-6 months to find jobs that they are many times overqualified for. As for the parents of people whose children got married when they were still teenagers or recently got married. I AM NOT MARRIED, nor will I be married anytime in the next 12 months (at least I think). Being married is a different story. No married couple in their right mind would live with their parents unless they had absolutely no other option. Being married is more expensive, but some things come cheaper and you generally have 2 incomes to work with. Of my single friends who have recently moved out of their parents homes, many of them have been graduated from college for over a year and just now found a decent job and/or have saved enough money to survive.

Give me a break!

I have only been out of college and back in Washington for 5 months. I am still within that 4-6 month waiting period for "finding a job". Yes, I am temping, but I have been given a tentative hire date of October 28th at Bank of America. It is not at all what I went to school for, but it will help me to be independant. I don't want to live with my parents any more than they want me living with them. I've been on my own for 5 years and I LOVED it! I just cannot financially afford to move out. I have thousand of dollars in student loans about to come out of grace. My goal is to have my own place by January. Realisticly though it would not be unusual if it took me till next September to have enough money saved to support myself the way I need to, to move out. This is a different era. Yes, I am almost 24 and still relying greatly on my parents, but I am in a grace period.

Give me a chance to get my footing before you judge me and feed me to the wolves. I am doing the best that I can with what I have been given.

Issue 2:

If you don't like what I have to say on Facebook (or on any other blog/social networking site, etc.), DELETE ME, BLOCK ME, CONFRONT ME, WHATEVER, but please, please, please, leave my parents out of it!

I am an adult. Even though I am residing at my parents house, I am my own person. I have my own thoughts, and feelings, and behaviors. I apologize if you think I am crazy, rude, inappropriate or whatever you may think about me. What I have to say is not about you or even for you (except for right now).

Yes I am publicly posting those inner thoughts and feelings, and sometimes what I think or feel isn't always the nicest or whatever, but I say what I have to say for my benefit.

My Facebook and Myspace are private. For anyone to see what I have posted I have to accept their request or request for them to be my friend so they can see what I have to say. No employer or person or group can see my profile without my permission and even then I have the ability to limit what they can and cannot see. Since I have recently had issues with people complaining to my parents about my opinions I have blocked most people over the age of 35 from seeing my status updates and wall posts so that there are no more issues, but I really shouldn't have to do that.

It is my Constitutional, 1st Amendment right to have the FREEDOM OF SPEECH and the FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION. Never once have I violated any kind of "privacy policy" when voicing what may seem to be a negative opinion in a status update. I have not given names or locations. I have simply expressed myself in a manner that, for me, helps relieve stress and allows me to process things going on in my life in a more appropriate manner than telling the stupid lady next to me that she is confusing people more than helping and making everyone else's job harder. I have never used company time to update my status and I would never post anything that could get me in trouble with the company/employees and am working for/with. If, at the end of a long day my feet hurt and are tired, it is my right to tell my Facebook friends that I had a long day at work and my feet hurt and I'm tired. I am not saying I don't like my job. I'm not speaking negatively about the job or anyone at the job I am just saying I am tired. Everyone has days like that because it's work.

Also, know that half of what I say/write in a status update is said with some hint of sarcasm. I obviously do not think that shooting myself in the foot repeatedly would be more pleasurable than spending the day with incompetant people. I am just expressing frustration with people who make my life more difficult. DON'T READ INTO IT!
Ultimately, if something I post get's me in trouble down the line with an employer or someone else. I have to deal with the consequenses. I am fully aware of this. I am, after all, AN ADULT. Thank you for your concern, but I have taken the neccessary procautions to protect myself. If the worst thing I ever do is express my positive and negative feelings on Facebook, I am far better off than most of my peers. I am so sorry if that offends you, but my voice is my most powerful tool and I will use it as I please. I do not tell you what is right or wrong to say on Facebook. If I don't like it, I ignore it. Please do the same for me. If you must express concern or question a statement, DO NOT GO TO MY PARENTS, they are not me and they have no control over what I put on Facebook. Overall, I am a genuinely kind person, but I do have thoughts and feeling that I am entitled to share on my page on facebook. You are entitled to delete me, confront me, block me, whatever. But please keep your issues with me and my thoughts between you and I.

Thank you!

When God Is Silent

A few years ago I read, The Applause of Heaven by Max Lucado which is about the There is a chapter in it about "...for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." The chapter is entitled "The Kingdom Worth Dying For". It talks about John the Baptist and the events that lead up to his death. How he questioned whether Jesus was the one he was preparing the way for, he felt like Jesus didn't care, that God had abandoned him. Max notes that to some Jesus' response may be puzzling. He responded saying, "everything is going as planned, the blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leaprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead have life, and the good news is being preached to the poor." John was hoping that Jesus would free him, rescue him from death, but Jesus' answer explained everything John needed to know. I love the way Max Lucado words things...he says...
"It wasn't that Jesus was silent; it was that John had been listening for the wrong answer. John had been listening for the answer to his earthly problems, while Jesus was busy resolving his heavenly ones. That's worth remembering next time you hear the silence of God. If you've asked for a mate, but are still sleeping alone . . . if you've asked for a child, but your womb stays barren . . . if you've asked for healing, but are still hurting . . . don't think God isn't listening. He is. And he is answering requests you are not even making." . . . Please catch this, it's powerful . . ."Does that mean Jesus has no reguard for injustice? No. He cares about persecutions. He cares about iniquities and hunger and prejudice. And he knows what it is like to be punished for something he didn't do. He knows the meaning of the phrase, 'It's just not right'. For it wasn't right that people spit into the eyes that had wept for them. It wasn't right that soldiers ripped chunks of flesh out of the back of their God. It wasn't right that spikes pierced the hands that formed the earth. And it wasn't right that the Son of God was forced to hear the silence of God.It wasn't right, but it happened.For while Jesus was on the cross, God did sit on his hands. He did turn his back. He did ignore the screams of the innocent. He sat in silence while the sins of the world were placed upon his Son. And he did nothing while a cry a million times bloodier than John's echoed in the black sky; 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'Was it right, no. Was it fair, no. Was it love? Yes.In a world of injustice, God once and for all tipped the scales in the favor of hope. And he did it by sitting on his hands so that we could know the kingdom of God."
I have come to realize that some of my biggest failures, my biggest heartaches, and greatest letdowns were really God sitting on his hands because he knew that the pain of not having those things exatly my way was far less than the pain I would have experienced otherwise. Sometimes I get angry at God. I yell at him for not understanding what it feels like to never have things work out the way I want them too. I tell him that he has no idea how it feels to pray and pray for something that doesn't happen. I guess I'm wrong. He really does know how it feels, he really does understand.

I Will Be Still

A lot has been going on in my world over the last few months. I've faced some big transitions. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone in almost every area of my life. I've fallen, I've failed, I've cried. I've been frustrated. I've laughed. I've had the time of my life. But looking up from the mess and the pain I've lived in for the past few months I realized that I forgot how to just

BE STILL.
Backtracking a few months...in November the radio in my car went out. At first I was really frustrated about it. I hated that it was so quiet in my car. I was alone with my thoughts, my fears, my dreams... But after a while I found the quiet to be a place of refuge and peace. I looked forward to taking a drive in the stillness of my car. In time I started being my own radio, I would sing anything and everything. Sometimes I would make up my own lyrics to familiar melodies about the random things happening in my life. I would often laugh, knowing that if anyone else heard the words I was singing I would totally get made fun of. There were also times that I would rock out with myself and Jesus to my favorite worship songs or just sing my own songs and talk to Jesus about my life. There were even days that I would just sit in the complete silence of my car and listen. Listen for something, anything. Sometimes I would even yell at God in frustration that I couldn't hear him, but looking back now, it was in those silent moments that he taught me the most. Honestly, I really miss those quiet moments. My car radio finally got fixed so I could sell it in April. But those 5 radioless months helped me through some rather difficult and confusing time.
Since being home and having a car with a radio, I have forgotten how to just enjoy quietness. I have forgotten to just BE STILL! Maybe it has contributed to my current state of confusion or maybe it's just the season of life I'm in. This last week and a half, however, I have asked myself a lot of questions and made a lot of excuses. My heart says one thing, my flesh says another, and all the noise and conflict in my spirit has me more frustrated and confused than ever. I don't really know where I am, or how to get to where I want to be, and sometimes I'm not even sure I want the things I want.
On the way home from church tonight I decided that it was time to revisit the quiet place in my car. So I turned the radio off and just listened. What I heard was the familiar voice of my father saying "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10a (NLT). The rest of the way home I sang one of my favorite songs of all time (yes I do realize that singing isn't exactly being quiet, but it was what I needed). The song I sang is very fitting for the circumstances of my life. The best part is that the song is more than just lyrics and a pretty melody, but it's a great reminder to me that my heavenly father has my life under control. That even though crazieness surrounds me, he has hidden me in his wings and covered me with his mightly hand.
I am challenging myself to go radioless in my car from today through the end of September.
I dare you to do it with me.

You don't always have to sing or pray, sometimes you should just listen. You never know what God will say to you...

STILL -Hillsong

Hide me now
Under Your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father you are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still and know You are God