I Will Be Still

A lot has been going on in my world over the last few months. I've faced some big transitions. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone in almost every area of my life. I've fallen, I've failed, I've cried. I've been frustrated. I've laughed. I've had the time of my life. But looking up from the mess and the pain I've lived in for the past few months I realized that I forgot how to just

BE STILL.
Backtracking a few months...in November the radio in my car went out. At first I was really frustrated about it. I hated that it was so quiet in my car. I was alone with my thoughts, my fears, my dreams... But after a while I found the quiet to be a place of refuge and peace. I looked forward to taking a drive in the stillness of my car. In time I started being my own radio, I would sing anything and everything. Sometimes I would make up my own lyrics to familiar melodies about the random things happening in my life. I would often laugh, knowing that if anyone else heard the words I was singing I would totally get made fun of. There were also times that I would rock out with myself and Jesus to my favorite worship songs or just sing my own songs and talk to Jesus about my life. There were even days that I would just sit in the complete silence of my car and listen. Listen for something, anything. Sometimes I would even yell at God in frustration that I couldn't hear him, but looking back now, it was in those silent moments that he taught me the most. Honestly, I really miss those quiet moments. My car radio finally got fixed so I could sell it in April. But those 5 radioless months helped me through some rather difficult and confusing time.
Since being home and having a car with a radio, I have forgotten how to just enjoy quietness. I have forgotten to just BE STILL! Maybe it has contributed to my current state of confusion or maybe it's just the season of life I'm in. This last week and a half, however, I have asked myself a lot of questions and made a lot of excuses. My heart says one thing, my flesh says another, and all the noise and conflict in my spirit has me more frustrated and confused than ever. I don't really know where I am, or how to get to where I want to be, and sometimes I'm not even sure I want the things I want.
On the way home from church tonight I decided that it was time to revisit the quiet place in my car. So I turned the radio off and just listened. What I heard was the familiar voice of my father saying "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10a (NLT). The rest of the way home I sang one of my favorite songs of all time (yes I do realize that singing isn't exactly being quiet, but it was what I needed). The song I sang is very fitting for the circumstances of my life. The best part is that the song is more than just lyrics and a pretty melody, but it's a great reminder to me that my heavenly father has my life under control. That even though crazieness surrounds me, he has hidden me in his wings and covered me with his mightly hand.
I am challenging myself to go radioless in my car from today through the end of September.
I dare you to do it with me.

You don't always have to sing or pray, sometimes you should just listen. You never know what God will say to you...

STILL -Hillsong

Hide me now
Under Your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father you are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Come Thirsty

I found this blog I wrote on Facebook earlier this year and the truth and sincerity resounded in my heart and I felt the need to post it on here...

I have been reading from the book Cast of Characters by Max Lucado. He subtitles the work Common People in the Hands of an Uncommon God. Each chapter explores the story and lessons of a Biblical character. Today I just happened to read about the woman (in the book of Luke) who washed Jesus’ feet. I was really moved by the way Max tells her story and I wanted to share it with you. As a preface, I wanted to title this, A Lesson on Love from a Biblical Whore, but I thought that people would be offended and not read it if I titled it that. The truth is though, that this woman was just that, a whore. She sold her body on the street and thought nothing of it . . . that is, until she met Jesus. Max Lucado notes that we don’t know where she first met Jesus or anything about their relationship prior to her humbling act in Luke 7. All we know of her, we know from Jesus words to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t even offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has been kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” (Luke 7:40-47 NLT) Now I have read this story many many times and have always thought it was touching, but I did not realize what it meant. I knew she was a sinner and that she honored Jesus love for her in a beautiful way, but I missed the whole part about Simon being put off by her "sinful" profession of love to “his” Savior. Max writes, “You’d think the woman would avoid Jesus. Is she not the woman of the night? The town hussy? But she can’t resist him. Simon’s ‘love’ is calibrated and stingy. Her love, on the other hand, is extravagant and risky”. I love that, RISKY LOVE. “She came thirsty. Thirsty from guilt. Thirsty from regret. Thirsty from the countless nights of making love and finding none. She came thirsty. And when Jesus hands her the goblet of grace, she drinks. She doesn’t just taste or nip. She doesn’t just dip her finger and lick it or take the cup and sip it. She lifts the liquid to her lips and drinks, gulping, swallowing like the parched pilgrim she is. She drinks until the mercy flows down her chin and onto her neck and chest. She drinks until every inch of her soul is moist and soft. She comes thirsty and she drinks. She drinks deeply”. I love the picture Max paints here. I see a woman so thirsty that the liquid gushes out soaking her clothes and the ground around her. Almost as if a bucket was being dumped over her head. She becomes drenched in Jesus’ thirst quenching grace!
This picture reminded me how thirsty I am. I am craving a drink like the one she took.“Simon on the other hand, doesn’t even know he is thirsty. People like Simon don’t need grace; they analyze it. They don’t request mercy; they debate and prorate it. It wasn’t that Simon couldn’t be forgiven; he just never asks to be”.The chapter goes on to explain how we try to love other’s we say “I’m supposed to love my neighbor? Okay. By golly, I will.So we try. Teeth clenched. Jaw firm. We’re going to love if it kills us! And it may do just that.Could we be missing a step? Could it be that the first step of love is not toward them but toward him? Could it be that the secret to loving is receiving? You give love by first receiving it. ‘We love, because He first loved us’ (1 John 4:19 NASB).What a novel thought. To love others we need to experience Christ’s love for us and the deeper we let him love us the deeper we will be able to love and accept others. Those who really know me know that loving people the way Christ loves me is my number one goal in life. I am usually pretty horrible at doing this, but still I try. I am determined to let Jesus love me so that I can model that love to others.I close with Max’s words,“God loved you. Personally. Powerfully. Passionately. Others have promised and failed. But Gof has promised and succeeded. He loves you with an unfailing love. And his love-if you will let it-can fill you and leave you with a love worth giving. So come. Come thirsty and drink deeply”.

At A Crossroad

As we grow up, life hands us a series of tests that end up defining who we become during the next leg of the journey. Generally the test is some kind of compromising situation, or tough decision. Never-the-less, whatever it is that life throws at us we generally tend to feel a little left in the lurch and unsure of what to do.

For most of my life I have done fairly well with these tests, but I have recently embarked on a journey that has ended up throwing a few my way in which I am torn about what to do. I will spare my readers the details because to some they would bore, to others, beckon questions for which I am not ready to answer.

The part I hate is that I know what the "right" decisions are I just am not sure it's what I want because maybe they are the right decisions for others around me, but not me right now.

I am so sick of letting other people's idea of what is "right" hold me back, and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. I realize that sometimes their definition is meant to protect me, but at the same time...what if I don't want to be protected anymore? What if I want to experience life and take in all it has to offer?

Being home often feels like a trap. I am trapped by other people's expectations of me so much that I don't even remember who I really am. It's a constant battle between my heart and my love. My heart says live, my love says obey.

Where is the balance?

I don't want to live in regret.

I could regret not trying or I could regret that I did.

I'm tired of living scared...

I don't want to disappoint anyone, but in pleasing everyone else in what I do with my life I feel like I am disappointing myself.
I think that I've made my mind up and I don't think that some people are going to like my choices, but I feel like being a little bit selfish.

What does it really matter what I do as long as I honor God?