Good Golly, Be Nice!

While I am generally happy with where my life is at right now I find my days being filled more and more with anger, frustration and hurt. I keep feeling an intense desire to become someone else to gain the useless acceptance of friends who seldom act like friends.

It's almost like I'm stuck in an adult version the nightmare that is high school. Everything is filled with drama and popularity rules, and quite frankly I am losing my patience.

I hate my desire for acceptance. I hate that I fall short, and even more, I hate that I allow myself to be a part of it.

Maybe it's wrong, but I prayed today that God would do something in me, through me, with me that would allow me to "stick it to the man". To make those people who make me hopelessly jump through hoops like a fool feel bad that they ever mistreated me. I want them to want to be part my friend. I want them to learn kindness and consideration. I wish they could hear, see and feel how they make others feel.

I don't want to be judgemental like they are.

I don't want to gossip like they do.

I don't want to laugh at other's expense like them.

I want God to ruin them.

I want them to get so messed up by Jesus that they cannot continue treating others with such disrespect.

Right now I am hurt and angry.

I want so badly to not care what they think about me, but reality is that not trying to be their friend is pretty lonely.

History Repeats

If history repeats itself than this is the part where I fail.
This is the part where I am overcome by negative self-talk and begin to experiment in destructive behaviors.
I see it coming almost every time.
I see it and know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop it.
The weight of my thoughts cause a pain so deep that it rips apart every shred of confidence I cling to; causing a desperate desire to control something, anything.
Often I am delusioned into believing that the only thing I can control is my own satisfaction. That quest for satisfaction has led me down some pretty disreputable roads.

Reality is that Christ offers more than enough fulfillment if I only abandon all control of the scary things in my life.
Letting go and facing the things that might humiliate me and cause life altering pain are proven to be the only way to avoid the deception that I am in control.
It is an undeniable fact that man must serve something or someone; that control of one’s life can only be dictated by one of two beings, God or satan.
The bible says that man can only serve one master you either become a slave to sin or a slave to Christ.
Any who claim to be caught in the middle serve the master of sin.
It is absolute truth that a person who sits in Church every Sunday, sings all the right songs, prays all the right prayers, and says all the right things can still be held captive, entangled by sin. Only when man gives up his earthly rights and symbolically gives up his life, will the chains of sin be relinquished and the freedom of captivity in Christ be accomplished.
I want to find the courage to abandon control of those shameful and unpardonable things in my life.
I want to experience Christ’s fullness and joy through the pain of dealing with the things in my life I’ve tried to disguise and ignore for so long.
I want to know forgiveness and freedom.
I no longer want to allow history to repeat itself.