While I am generally happy with where my life is at right now I find my days being filled more and more with anger, frustration and hurt. I keep feeling an intense desire to become someone else to gain the useless acceptance of friends who seldom act like friends.
It's almost like I'm stuck in an adult version the nightmare that is high school. Everything is filled with drama and popularity rules, and quite frankly I am losing my patience.
I hate my desire for acceptance. I hate that I fall short, and even more, I hate that I allow myself to be a part of it.
Maybe it's wrong, but I prayed today that God would do something in me, through me, with me that would allow me to "stick it to the man". To make those people who make me hopelessly jump through hoops like a fool feel bad that they ever mistreated me. I want them to want to be part my friend. I want them to learn kindness and consideration. I wish they could hear, see and feel how they make others feel.
I don't want to be judgemental like they are.
I don't want to gossip like they do.
I don't want to laugh at other's expense like them.
I want God to ruin them.
I want them to get so messed up by Jesus that they cannot continue treating others with such disrespect.
Right now I am hurt and angry.
I want so badly to not care what they think about me, but reality is that not trying to be their friend is pretty lonely.
Hi Sarah Jane, ouch, I've been there too, and it's not nice!
ReplyDeleteI notice you wrote this post a few months ago, so I hope things have improved since then. I just found your blog on Blogger (similar interests), and have read all of your rants- hehe, I rant just as much, but I get to rant to my hubby, and my www posts are a bit calmer as a result. :)
Just a tentative question here... you haven't really talked about your church much on your blog... are they loving and accepting you- I mean really?, or are they the judgmental ones?? Hopefully it's not the case- I hope you're in a great church, but if you're not free to follow God and be the real you there, then my advice would be to take courage (you're going to need it!) and move on! It's bold of me to say all this since it's only my first visit to your blog, but it's just that your post smacks of everything I was feeling before I left my old church that I had been in for 13 years. It was so hard to make the decision to leave, but I'm so glad we did. We've now been in a great, healthy church for the past 4 years, and we've been able to grow so much as a result.
I may be way off beam here, and if so, I'm sorry for sticking my nose in, but I wanted to encourage you in case it's needed. Best wishes, Juliet.